Mamas on Bedrest: Precious Soul Gone But Not Forgotten

October 19th, 2011

Fall is my favorite time of year. But as the calendar approaches November 1st, I get a little wonky. On November 1, 2004, I learned that I had lost another precious soul, my second miscarriage, my third pregnancy.

Something about that miscarriage has stuck with me. For some reason or other that soul had, and still has, a hold on me. While I was sad when I had my first miscarriage (June 25, 2001), I was devastated with this one and I am not exactly sure of the reason for the depth of my feelings. Perhaps it was because I learned that I was pregnant on my daughter’s birthday, my 4th anniversary. Perhaps it occurred almost one year to the day that my father in law passed away. I have yet to make the connection, but November 1st is always a day upon which I stop and reflect on that little soul that I still miss and for whom I sometimes still shed a little tear.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and I believe that to be the case for both of my miscarriages, my difficult pregnancy with my daughter, her traumatic birth and then the virtually complication free pregnancy and birth of my son. Even though I grieved deeply for this particular little soul that I lost, I have to say, had that soul survived, I would not have my son today. Had that soul survived, I very likely would have not started Mamas on Bedrest & Beyond. Had that soul survived, I would not be so determined to smooth the path for other high risk pregnant women.

They say that success comes out of struggle. I believe that there is an element of truth to that statement. When things go well, we seldom stop to reflect on the goodness of life. More importantly, we seldom push ourselves to present our gifts and talents to the world. But when there is a crisis, when the normal responses and actions just won’t do, that is when we dig deep and pull from a pool of strength seldom tapped yet rich with possibilities. It’s where we make the decision to push forward or give up in defeat. It’s a dark and difficult place, yet when we emerge, we are one step closer to “diamonds”.

My ruminations have come early this year. I suppose it’s due to the weather change here in Austin and the fact that it finally feels like fall-cool and breezy. And as I once again give pause for my precious little soul I say,

“You are gone yet not forgotten. Your tenure on this earth was mere weeks, yet the impact has continued for years. You’ve inspired me, caused me to move and to act. I love you!”

How has your high risk pregnancy experience changed you? If you have a soul (or souls) in heaven, how have they inspired you? Share your comments below.

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