Mamas on Bedrest: In Memory of My Little Lost Souls

November 3rd, 2014

Twin FetusesOn November 1, 2004, I was told that my 3rd pregnancy was “not viable” and the fetus “had failed to progress”.

There is no more crushing blow to a mama than the realization that the little one she has been carrying-even if only for a few weeks as had been the case for me-is gone. With the loss of that little soul also comes the loss of hopes and dreams not only for that little one, but also for the entire family into which that little one was to be born.

That loss happened 10 years ago. I had my first miscarriage on June 25 2001, a year before the birth of my daughter. I think of those souls often, and wonder, “What would you have been like?” Would you have been boys or a girls? Who would you look like, me or your father? What kind of personalities would you have? Sometimes I just give into, “What if?”

And yet, I know if the baby I “lost” on November 1, 2004 had lived, I would not have my now 8 year old son, the little guy who just makes my heart full and who can zing me with his uncanny perception of the truth and his quick wit. If I had had the baby I lost on June 25, 2001, I would not have my daughter. I may not have experienced that trials and tribulations that I experienced having her which ultimately have lead to the “birth” of Mamas on Bedrest & Beyond. 

Both of my children are my greatest blessings. I truly cannot imagine my life without them in it. Yet it wasn’t an easy path to get them here. Several people have asked me over the years if I had to do it again, knowing my path to parenthood, would I do it again? I have to honestly answer, I don’t know. I know that I definitely would want to have my children, but, weenie that I am, I don’t know if I could knowingly go that path to getting them here again.

Mamas on Bedrest, each of you will travel a unique path and have an exquisite story to tell about how you came to be a mama and how you brought your baby into this world. For some of you, this path may be so overwhelming that you don’t trod it ever again. No worries and no judgement. Other mamas will go on to have other children, sometimes going back on bed rest, sometimes progressing just fine without life restriction. Some of you will go on to write books, start businesses, start non-profit organizations or do some other sort of humanitarian work as a result of your pregnancy and birth experiences.

It’s all good. It’s all perfect. Everything is as it should be. That is what I have learned over the years. While I still get a tiny sting in my heart when I think of the souls that moved on so quickly, I also smile and thank the Gods above for the delightful and dynamic souls that I live with each day. I learn so much from ALL my children. From those with me I learn patience and to not take myself so seriously. I also learn humility as they are often quick to point out my faults or mirror them back to me.

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From those that have gone on, I have learned that life goes on. I will always remember them and for me, I honor them by serving other mamas and babies. Their gift to me is my service to you, to ensure to the best of my ability that each mama has the support and resources she needs to safely and successfully deliver a healthy baby. I thank you all for allowing me to honor my children.

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